The Wing Man
I used to be a feature writer for the monthly satirical newspaper The Wing Man, before the editor-in-chief OD’ed on crazy pills and vanished off the face of the earth.
Want to read some of my articles? Well too bad, because here they are.
Girlfriend Just Not That Into Watersports
LOS FELIZ – Colin Bradley expressed his extreme frustration and disappointment earlier this week that his girlfriend of four months, Martina Micheletti, continues to show a lack of interest in his personal hobbies and other leisurely pursuits, most notably watersports.
“I know it’s kind of a guy thing,” said Bradley. “But we are in a relationship, and I have always firmly believed that one must make sacrifices and try to meet halfway if one is to truly nurture and cultivate a healthy interpersonal connection.”
Several weeks into the relationship, Bradley had been delighted to discover that he and Micheletti had very much in common. He was quickly disheartened, however, after bringing up the subject of urolagnia only to find that he was alone in his devotion to this particular pastime.
“I guess I’m something of a cliché,” said Micheletti, “but I’ve just never been that into watersports. I’m definitely a girly-girl—I like clothes shopping and hanging out with friends and going clubbing, but when it comes to intimate exchanges of urinary discharge, I could take it or leave it.”
Bradley states that he has done his best to pique his girlfriend’s interest in this regard, having performed such actions as leaving the door open while going to the bathroom, covering the toilet tank with scented candles, and introducing her to foreign films that treat the subject tastefully, such as the 1987 French pic, Pissin’ Dans La Piscine.
“I don’t know what the problem is,” said Bradley. “I mean, I go to her stupid Tupperware parties.”
Man Not Allowed to Have Pineapple on His Half of Pizza
CHATSWORTH – Marcus Atweiler’s request to get pineapple on his half of the pizza on Friday night was categorically denied by his fiancée, Annette Frisk.
“No,” said Frisk, grabbing the menu forcefully out of Atweiler’s hands.
“I don’t see why I can’t have what I want on my half of the pizza,” said Atweiler. “I mean, I’m paying for it, aren’t I?”
“I sure am paying for it,” said Frisk, referring to her decision to accept Atweiler’s proposal of marriage earlier this spring. “He wants to do things like get pineapple on his pizza and wear corduroy jackets and sleep in the nude and listen to music. Well, my friend, he is in for a rude awakening.”
After having been rejected for at least the tenth time that evening, Atweiler sat quietly while it was explained to him that they would be having a thin ‘n crispy pizza with regular sauce, light cheese, sun-dried tomatoes and olives. It was also made clear to him that they would be washing down their meal with Brita water, that there would be a tiny taste of mango sorbet for dessert, and that the rental video for that evening would be something starring George Clooney.
“I just really like the taste of tomato sauce and tropical fruit together,” Atweiler said, defending his appeal for the controversial topping. “I wish it wasn’t such an ordeal. After all, I generally try to be good about letting her do the things that she likes to do, like take three showers a day, re-upholster my furniture, and tell me what and what not to do.”
Mario Reyes of Big Dave’s Pizza & Pasta stated that he was particularly confused by Frisk’s pizza order that night, wherein she specifically demanded that there be no pieces of pineapple placed atop her pie. “It’s not like that comes standard,” added Reyes.
“Whoever heard of putting pineapple on a pizza in the first place—good Lord,” said an exasperated Frisk. “Next thing you know, he’ll be wanting to keep his dog.”
Man Unsure If Stuff on Shower Floor is Grime or Bugs
ALHAMBRA – Benji Hartman, a 33-year-old computer programmer who has been single since 1993, is not entirely certain whether the black, shadowy substance on the floor of his shower is grime or bugs.
“For a while there, I was pretty sure it was just grime,” says Hartman. “I mean, that makes sense, right? rime is known to collect in places like bathtubs. But lately I’m not so sure.”
Hartman first began to grow suspicious of the dubious dark patches about three weeks ago, when he could have sworn he saw them moving. “I kind of did a double-take, you know? Like… I don’t know if I saw what I thought I saw or not. So, I’m not completely sure I saw it moving. But I’m about eighty-seven percent certain. In fact, I’d probably bet someone twenty dollars that it was, in fact, moving. Don’t quote me on that, though.”
Hartman, who has long had an intense aversion to creepy crawlers, has refused to bathe since that time. He asserts that, until and unless he is provided with conclusive evidence to the contrary, he is “going nowhere near that repugnant bed of rampant infestation.”
One part of the tub especially perturbs Hartman. He insists that he has clearly observed six or seven long, spindly legs protruding forth from this area in particular. Or, he concedes, it might just be trails of dirt.
Hartman maintains that he is not a total slob, and that he actually cleans his shower quite regularly. When asked to provide elaboration on his use of the term ‘regularly,’ Hartman declined comment.
Two-Week Manhunt for Jaywalker Ends in Bloodshed
COMPTON – The two-week manhunt for Marc Hashberger, a 32-year-old deli owner from South Gate, ended last Tuesday when the fugitive jaywalker was gunned down in front of his own establishment.
The offense was witnessed by an innocent bystander who prefers to go by “Mr. X.” Having just dropped off his pet papillon at an animal hotel on Rosecrans Avenue, Mr. X reported having sighted Hashberger looking both ways down a momentarily idle byway, then recklessly sauntering from one curb to the other with little regard for his own safety or for the safety of those around him, which in this case happened to be no one.
Mr. X immediately reported the incident to the authorities, providing them with a detailed physical description, as well as a protracted, melodramatic diatribe wherein he expressed his feelings about the inhumanity of the criminal act in question.
“People like that need to be put behind bars and sentenced to lethal injection, or preferably drawn and quartered,” said Mr. X. “If we continue to allow felons like this to roam the streets—literally—the future of our entire society is in a dire state.”
The suspicions of the Compton Police were aroused when they spotted a man fitting the suspect’s description attempting to commit a similar transgression outside Marc’s Deli on the corner of Central and El Segundo. Hashberger, who had been hoping to make it to the 7-Eleven alive in order to purchase a pack of gum and a Powerade, negligently flirted with disaster by starting to cross the normally busy intersection during an early afternoon lull.
Hashberger was ordered to freeze by one of the officers on the scene, a command which was briefly obeyed. However, noting that he was now in the path of an oncoming bus, Hashberger made a move as if to take another step, and the officers were forced to act, taking aim at the perpetrator’s knees.
Although Hashberger survived the barrage of gunfire and is currently in stable condition at Martin Luther King, Jr. General Hospital, he is now fully paralyzed from the waist down. “His walking days are over,” beamed Compton Police Chief David Pittari.